Have you ever found yourself struggling with something, only to immediately dismiss your own experience?
Perhaps you've thought:
Other people have it worse than me.
I just need to suck it up.
I should be over this by now.
It's not that big a deal.
I need to move on.
Other people cope better than I do.
I shouldn't feel this way.
Many of us speak to ourselves in these ways without fully recognising the impact these messages can have. On the surface, they may sound practical, sensible or resilient. They may even be phrases we heard growing up from well-meaning adults, workplaces, schools or communities that valued strength, self-sacrifice and perseverance.
Yet beneath these statements lies an often-overlooked reality.
In our efforts to cope, we can unintentionally dismiss our own emotional needs.
Rather than listening to what we are feeling, we explain it away. Rather than becoming curious about our experience, we criticise ourselves for having it. Over time, these seemingly harmless thoughts can teach us that our emotions are problems to overcome rather than experiences to understand.
The result is that we often become very good at carrying on, while becoming increasingly disconnected from what we actually need.
The Difference Between Perspective and Dismissal
There is nothing inherently wrong with perspective.
Recognising that other people are facing significant challenges can help us develop compassion, gratitude and a broader understanding of the world.
The problem arises when perspective becomes a way of dismissing our own experience.
When someone says:
"Other people have it worse than me."
they are often implying something else:
"Therefore, I shouldn't feel upset."
But these are two completely different statements.
Someone else's suffering does not cancel out your own.
A person can be grieving a relationship while another person is grieving a loved one. Both experiences involve pain.
A parent can feel exhausted while recognising that other families are facing different challenges.
A person can feel overwhelmed at work while acknowledging that someone else has lost their job.
Pain is not a competition.
We do not have to prove we are suffering more than someone else before we earn the right to acknowledge the struggle we are experiencing.
"Suck It Up" Is Often a Learned Survival Strategy
Many people learn early in life that emotions are something to push through rather than something to understand. Perhaps there was little space for vulnerability in your family, or you were praised for being strong, independent and easy-going. Maybe there were so many demands, stresses or responsibilities around you that your feelings simply weren't acknowledged. Over time, you may have absorbed messages such as "Just get on with it," "Stop being so sensitive," "Don't make a fuss," "Move on," or "Get over it." Eventually, these messages can become part of your own internal dialogue, so familiar that you no longer recognise them as self-criticism. Instead, you mistake them for resilience or strength. Yet repeatedly telling yourself to "suck it up" rarely makes difficult emotions disappear. More often, it teaches you to disconnect from them. The sadness remains. The hurt remains. The unmet need remains. The emotional energy remains. The only thing that changes is that you become less likely to listen to what those emotions may be trying to tell you. Over time, this can leave you feeling increasingly disconnected from yourself, responding to life's challenges through endurance alone rather than understanding, compassion and genuine self-awareness.
What Happens When We Dismiss Ourselves?
When we repeatedly minimise our feelings, we can gradually lose touch with what we actually need. Instead of pausing to ask ourselves, "What is happening for me right now?" we are more likely to ask, "Why can't I just get over this?" Rather than becoming curious about our emotions, we begin arguing with them. Instead of responding compassionately to our needs, we criticise ourselves for having them in the first place.
Over time, this creates an additional layer of suffering. The original emotion may have been sadness, disappointment, frustration or hurt, but now it becomes sadness accompanied by self-judgement, disappointment mixed with shame, or frustration weighed down by self-criticism. We are no longer carrying the emotional burden of the situation alone; we are also carrying the burden of believing we shouldn't feel the way we do. In many cases, it is this second layer of judgement that keeps us stuck. The emotion itself is asking to be acknowledged, understood and responded to, while our inner critic is demanding that it disappear. Instead of helping us move through the experience, we become trapped in a struggle against our own emotional reality, exhausting ourselves not only with what happened, but with the effort of convincing ourselves that it shouldn't matter.
Emotions Do Not Need Permission to Exist
One of the themes I explore in In the Driver's Seat of Your Life is that emotions are not moral failings to be judged, corrected or overcome. They are experiences, and more importantly, they are information. Emotions arise for a reason, whether we immediately understand that reason or not. Yet many people spend years trying to convince themselves that they should not feel what they feel. They tell themselves not to be hurt, not to be overwhelmed, not to be anxious, frustrated or disappointed. The difficulty is that emotions do not disappear simply because we argue with them. Telling yourself not to feel hurt does not remove the hurt.
Telling yourself not to feel overwhelmed does not restore your energy, and telling yourself not to feel anxious does not eliminate anxiety. More often, these emotions continue to operate beneath the surface while we try to convince ourselves they are not there. They may emerge through tension in the body, irritability, exhaustion, self-criticism or a persistent sense that something feels wrong. When we stop fighting our emotions and begin listening to them with curiosity instead, we create an opportunity to understand what they may be trying to tell us about our needs, our boundaries, our relationships and ourselves.
A Different Question to Ask
When we notice ourselves slipping into self-dismissing thoughts, it can be helpful to respond with curiosity rather than criticism. So often, statements such as "Other people have it worse than me," "I should be over this by now," "I need to suck it up," or "I need to move on" close down any opportunity to understand what is really happening for us. They assume the feeling is the problem rather than recognising it may be carrying important information. Instead, we can gently shift our focus by asking different questions. Rather than comparing our situation to someone else's, we might ask ourselves, "What is making this difficult for me right now?" Instead of demanding that we should already be over something, we can explore, "What part of this experience still needs my attention?" Rather than pushing ourselves to simply cope, we might consider, "What support would help me manage this situation?"
Instead of forcing ourselves to move on, we can ask, "Have I actually processed what happened?" Notice the difference in tone. The first set of statements shuts down the conversation and dismisses the emotional experience. The second set opens the door to understanding. One approach encourages self-judgement, while the other invites self-awareness. When we replace criticism with curiosity, we create space to better understand our needs, respond more compassionately to ourselves and develop a healthier relationship with our emotions.
Holding Two Truths at the Same Time
One of the most helpful skills we can develop is the ability to hold two truths simultaneously.
For example:
Other people may have it worse, and this can still be difficult for me.
I am grateful for what I have, and I am still allowed to struggle.
I know things could be worse, and I still need support.
I understand why this happened, and it still hurts.
I am strong, and I still need care.
These statements do not contradict one another.
They allow compassion and self-compassion to exist side by side.
What Might You Need Instead?
When a difficult emotion arises, consider curiously asking yourself:
What am I actually feeling?
What has contributed to this feeling?
What am I telling myself about it?
Am I dismissing my own experience?
What would I say to a friend in the same situation?
What support, rest, boundary or understanding might I need right now?
These questions shift us away from self-judgement and towards self-awareness.
They help us begin responding to ourselves with the same kindness we so often offer others.
Taking Back the Driver's Seat
Many of us become experts at managing, minimising or ignoring our emotions. We learn how to keep going, meet our responsibilities, care for others and push through difficult situations. We become skilled at coping and carrying on, often without realising that what we have not learned is how to truly listen to ourselves. Listening does not mean becoming overwhelmed by every feeling or allowing our emotions to control us. Rather, it involves acknowledging what is present before deciding how we want to respond. It means recognising that our feelings contain valuable information about our experiences, needs and boundaries, rather than treating them as evidence of weakness or failure. It also means understanding that we do not need to earn the right to have needs simply because others have needs too.
As I often remind clients, self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself or avoiding responsibility. It is about responding honestly to your experience instead of arguing with it. You can maintain perspective without minimising what you are going through. You can be resilient without becoming emotionally disconnected from yourself. And you can care deeply about other people without abandoning your own needs in the process. Perhaps the next time you notice yourself thinking, "Other people have it worse," you might gently add, "and this is still difficult for me." That small shift may seem insignificant, but it creates space for acknowledgement rather than dismissal. Often, it is in these moments of self-recognition that a very different relationship with ourselves begins, one built on understanding, compassion and a willingness to listen rather than judge.
The Importance of Being Heard
Perhaps one of the reasons so many of us struggle to acknowledge our own needs is that we have spent years learning to dismiss them. We learn to minimise our emotions, compare our struggles with those of others, and convince ourselves that we should simply cope better. Over time, we can become so accustomed to talking ourselves out of our feelings that we rarely pause long enough to genuinely listen to what they might be trying to tell us.
Sometimes, having space to explore our experiences with another person can make a significant difference. There is something uniquely valuable about being listened to without judgement, criticism or the expectation that we should immediately have everything figured out. When we feel heard, it often becomes easier to hear ourselves. We can begin to recognise patterns, understand our emotional responses, and develop a greater appreciation for the needs we may have been overlooking.
This is one of the reasons counselling can be so powerful. Rather than telling us what we should feel, a counsellor creates space for curiosity, reflection and understanding. They help us explore not only what is happening, but also the stories we tell ourselves about what is happening. In doing so, we are often able to move from self-criticism towards self-awareness and from judgement towards compassion.
Meaningful change often begins with awareness, a theme I discuss in In the Driver's Seat of Your Life. Before we can choose a different response, we need to understand what is happening within us. Sometimes that understanding develops through personal reflection, sometimes through conversations with trusted people, and sometimes within the therapeutic relationship, where we are given permission to bring our whole experience into the room and explore it safely.
As National Counsellors Day on 27 October approaches, it serves as a timely reminder of the value of having spaces where people can talk openly about their experiences without judgement. Much of counselling is not about telling people what to do or how to feel. It is about creating an environment where they no longer have to minimise, justify or explain away their emotions. Sometimes, healing begins with being heard, perhaps for the first time, without being told to "get over it" or "move on."
Perhaps the next time you find yourself thinking, "I should just get over it," pause for a moment and consider a different possibility:
"What if this feeling is trying to tell me something worth listening to?"
Sometimes that single question can be the beginning of a very different conversation with yourself.
